the more messages i listen to from rob bell and mars hill bible church (in grand rapids, michigan), the more my heart aches to find a church like that. they are so full of life and passion and love and a desire to become one with god and it’s infectious. i know that another church exists out there like that but i don’t know how to find it!
my heart hasn’t been in the place i’d like for it to be in almost a year. definitely for 8 months or so. i am realizing it more and more since my road trip and my move because i am being brought to a place of desperation. i think it’s a good thing and i honestly want to get to the end of myself so that i can get back in the arms of god. i have been trying for too long now to do things in my own power and my pride has kept me from trusting and being still. god just asks me to be still and know that he is the i am, the beginning and the end. i need power in my life that only the holy spirit can bring.
i’m bummed because in my hasty packing process, i stored my boxes of books and cds and didn’t bring them with me. for the most part i don’t mind because my music’s all on my computer and i’ve read most of the books. the only thing that i miss is my celtic daily prayer book. i would really like to get back into that. my past daily ritual of reading that every morning with a cup of coffee and my roommate bonnie was the last time my walk was strong. now i feel as though i lack so much. i’m not dependent on a book to change that but god has been able to use that book powerfully before and i hope he may use it again. i’ll get myself another copy soon.
prayer has pretty much always been a struggle for me. consistency and desire and assurance. i need my heart changed.