roanoke: my future home?

I made it to Roanoke this weekend and I had a really good time. The drive out there, first of all, was really beautiful. All the cherry trees in bloom and the dogwoods and the green mountains and the clouds. This city can be so stifling but the country beyond it is so lovely. It made the 4 hours go by nicely. So I got there Friday evening. Marcus hasn’t been feeling very well so due to his low energy, we didn’t do a whole lot this weekend, but it was nice just to be there with him. I like the town a lot, what I saw of it at least. There is a mix of really nice old houses and crappy ones. His neighborhood in particular is very quaint with a bookstore, a coffee shop, the co-op, ‘the bar,’ and a record store. Pretty much everything you need, only four blocks from his house. He drove me around to all the places I hear about so much and I met his house mate, Courtney. Their apartment is nice (and cheap!) and I liked it a lot. We spent some time putting together furniture and unpacking to get him a little more settled. We watched movies and the UFC fight from Saturday. We ate yummy food and listened to the rain and he serenaded me on his guitar and his new banjo. He kissed my bike fall bruises and they felt better.

And again, it was really, really hard to come back. It totally sucks because I have a great time when I leave here and then I have to come back and I am hit by the loneliness and how much I dislike this place. I usually just come home and go to sleep so I don’t have to think about it and spend the next couple days being bummed. I need to do something about that. I don’t think I can force myself to like it here any more than I have tried to, and I can’t just stop leaving because that would make things suck more over all, and I can’t just leave here for good because that would be abandoning John and Kelly (and Graham and Kirsten). I don’t know what to do and I’m quite frustrated.

I’ve also been reflecting on my insecurities as they continue to come up. I feel like I can be a very clingy person in relationships and I wonder how things are different having been single for ‘so long’ before I met Marcus. I wonder if it’s like I think it is. I think that I have a tendency to read into things and make them seem bigger than they are. I don’t want to want Marcus to have to be so reassuring all the time. He’s so sweet and doesn’t need to be doing any more. I am worried that it may become a point of bitterness for me if he doesn’t ever come to see me up here. It’s mainly because his car is broken that he hasn’t yet but it’s in the shop and will hopefully get fixed soon. …I don’t think I’m really communicating what is in my head so that’s all I’m going to say.

Our upcoming trip to Minnesota is up in the air, given his aforementioned feeling-unwell-ness. He’s going to decide tomorrow whether he thinks he’s up to it. I have every possible part of my body crossed that he will. I really want the trip to happen! I don’t know if I will feel up to doing all that driving alone if he decides not to come. So either I will go by myself or we will postpone and either I will go spend the long weekend with him in Roanoke, or stay here and not ‘take the time off’ and probably mope, to be honest.

I feel like admitting unhappiness is a sign of weakness. Why has our culture made it that way? I shouldn’t feel ashamed that I’m not happy all the time. I shouldn’t think it’s a pitiful thing to be unhappy. It’s part of a balanced life. Right?

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